A New Chapter

My philosophy on life is that no matter how hard you struggle to win the battle, you will always come up short of winning. Today was a good day for me, a productive day. I end up talking with this guy every night from the Yukon… Flocke (will be his name). He quite the interesting character I must say…. very good with his words, and quite knowledgeable. Not sure how we met, we just did probably over the net somehow. Anyways it seems like every night we fall asleep in front of the computer together and today we actually woke up to each other on the computer quite funny really. He always seems to make me laugh/smile with his funny comments. I really do not know too much about him, but enough I guess. He always tells me a story at night… like a night time story I guess and they are always random. Of course I always fall asleep before he does because I am 3 hours ahead in time then him.
It’s kinda like a ritual to talk every night and fall asleep together… it’s kinda nice actually. Our discussion are a wide variety of things to music, sports, jobs, and weather. There is never really a dull moment until I start to get sleepy, and then I pass out.
Honestly I just wanted to thank him for being my online friend, and to tell me random stories. He definitely puts a smile on my face

The Loop Hole

McDreamy and I became close…. text messaging each and every day for the rest of the summer. Yet there was a loop hole, he was already apart of a relationship… a relationship which was not new yet rather 13 years in. As you can tell there was quite the age difference between us. I will admit I knew this and hence why I did not want to express my feelings towards him, because my morals were holding me back. However, as we all know, after a couple drinks we do not really hide much and are very open with our feelings. I was head over heels for a man common law married, what was I thinking.  I tried to push him away yet I could not do it. For the first time in my life I was in love and had absolutely no control over my feelings. He was the highlight of my summer, always made me smile. I told myself I would not be that other woman… I did not want to. Of course there was the age difference which was in the back of my head, but really it’s only a number and it did not mean anything to me.

I did not want my summer to end, I did not want to go away to school… we were just becoming close, and I was learning so much about him. Everything about him intrigued me, his eyes are more unique then I have ever seen. He had captivated me with his presence… that half the time I just sit there in silence watching his every move. What happen to me always being about my sports and friends… when did guys come into the equation? And who ever thought it was be an older guy that made me have butterflies in my tummy… He is my sunshine when my skies are grey… he is my angel when I need him to safe the day… he is my best friend that I can tell anything. I thank God for being him into my life, and letting him have such an impact on my life… this I thank you!!

The use of videos…

I choose a video for every post because somewhere in that video is a hidden message, or the way I am feeling currently.
We always say “I wish” yet really it is centuries old and never does a wish come true… fully. A wish is never clear cut, there’s always something that changes, and that wish goes sour.
I never wished on my birthday, maybe I was smart when I was younger who knows, yet I find it to be a false message. Yet the one time I did wish, I wished upon the brightest start in the sky, to the northwest. I can tell you that wish because is some insistence it did come true…. I wished that “McDreamy” (that will be his nickname) would feel the same as I did about him towards me. After work I would jump in a co-workers vehicle and drive home. Home was in the country, therefore you could see for miles all the stars. I would lay my head against the clear window and glaze at the stars until I found that star… my star which I would continue to wish upon. Yet he will never know how I feel because my morals keep me from telling him, how much I desire him.  

 

 So for two weeks straight the sky was clear and I sit there pondering, wishing and hoping he felt the same. Finally, on August 6th, after a couple of drinks, I become open. I can remember the day as it was yesterday. I smiled as did he, while asking me “What are you thinking?” with a smart reply I said quickly “Do you really want to know what I am thinking?” Not even taking a minute to ponder on it he said yes. I took a deep breath and said without looking at him yet touching his bare shoulder… “I am attracted to you”. *It’s been 4 months and know I finally told me… what was I thinking* Feeling completely foolish, he replied “I feel the same way”… OH MY there had to have been a stunned look on my face… I did not know what to say next.
As the night went on we hung out and talked an extensive amount… I could not stop smiling. He liked me too… I couldn’t believe it. That night I fell asleep with him… we laid and talked about the more common things in life,  like family and friends… and then all of a sudden while I was laying on his chest listening to him we fell asleep. I have never felt so comfortable before with a guy… usually I will not sleep a wink because I am afraid of what he might try… yet with him, I felt safe. Everything just felt so right, so perfect.

Did my wish really come true… or is there a loop hole….
To Be Continued

Hating you is the most exhausting, I don’t want to do it anymore…

No one likes to lose control. It’s a sign of weakness, of not being up to the task.
My weakness… is HIM, and every time I see him, I lose control of who I am. I tried hating him in order to keep him at bay, yet how could I hate someone I felt so comfortable around… I was always good at pushing people away… I still am. However, he never let go, he always was there. Around every corner he would appear, and that smile would take my breath away. First true love for me… at a distance. Never able to tell him how I felt feeling like I would be embarrassed if he laughted at me. So I kept it to myself, thinking this crazy crush would go away.

… It didn’t

And still there are times where it just gets away from you. No matter how hard you fight it, you fall, and it’s scary as hell… except if there’s an upside to free falling you give your friends a chance to catch you.

I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love

I’ve never wanted someone so bad before, I’ve never cared so much, I’ve never put forth so much effort… to have it all for not. To love a person so much yet having to be second fiddle. Never in my life did I think love could be so painful. I thought love as an eternity of joy/happiness. Why bring a person into my life , if I cannot have them? To be honest… I think it’s torture.

Most of the time pain can be managed, but sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it. Pain… you just have to fight through it, because truth is you can’t out ran it and life always makes more. There’s no resolutions, no easy answers, just breathe deep and wait for it to subside.

Hopeless Feelings

Do you ever feel you are at a stand still in your life, not knowing what the next step might possibly be? Where do you look for guidance… or who? Life is difficult as I have figured out at a young age, struggling with my existence. One minute, I feel like I am at the top of a mountain and then something happened and I am stumbling to keep my footing as I fall down the mountain. How do I learn to stay on top, instead of always falling at least half way down or better yet landing face first at the bottom of the mountain?  

What is my purpose in life… do I even have one? My feelings control the best of me at times, I can never sort them out. Yet when I step into the public eye, I remind myself to take one of my many masks with me in order to disguise myself. Why a mask you ask? It is simple, in this day and age, people are too busy in their own lives to care about each other. Never knowing how their friends/family members/spouse truely feels. Letting people into my life is hard for me to endure because I know one day they will have to leave, without me wanting them to. So I save myself the heartache with putting on my mask every day. Yet there are days when I forget it at home… and possibly open myself up a little only to feel the anguish of sadness.
“Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you will get” – Forrest Gump Tom Hanks
I know risks are a part of life and certain risks will lead to “happyness” yet others will lead to hardships. I wish I would know what chocolate to pick along with the right time to eat it.