Good-Bye

So today was the day… the day I said Good-Bye, to my best friend, my first love, my true love. I am not sure how I was able to do it nor do I know if I will stay strong and stick to it.
McDreamy and I had another conversation ending up always where we end up… and never resolving anything. Yet today I decided to be strong and speak my mind and tell him I don’t like living like this and I never will.
He wants to still be friends, but I can’t do it, I need complete separation to get over him. Of course it hurt the whole conversation I was crying. I didn’t want to say Good-Bye and always thought he would be the one to walk away, however, I realized he never would and I would always been in the same position, feeling horrible about it.
So no more texting, no more phone calls, no more McDreamy… my eyes have been filled with tears ever since the end of the conversation… in a way I wish there was a drug that could make me forget because I fear that there is no one out there for me like him… I know I am not suppose to compare guys, yet it’s clear that everyone compares past relationships to the new ones.

The difficult part is wanting to text him, because its a routine to text every day… I could text him for hours and not get bored yet others I just stop texting because they do not intrigue me… horrible I know.

I just want to make this pain go away… it’s the worst pain I have ever felt. Give me physical pain I can cope with that yet emotional pain rips me apart. It’s a time when I want to be by myself and wallow in my sorrow yet understand that the best thing is to be around people so I do not have thoughts of him.

Troy was the best tonight he helped a lot even though he did not think so because he did not make me laugh, it got my mind off him and onto him movie in with me at the start of June. We talked about that and video games… it’s truly a god-sent.

I will miss him… McDreamy… tons yet as I kept telling myself from day 1 this will be beneficial in the long run, even though my heart does not want to go through this pain… I so wished he would stay

Endless Wonders

November 18,2007

Do you understand what you do to me? What feelings arise when you enter my thoughts?
Distance keeps me sane, yet in two days you will be knocking on my door, wanting in. Do I let you in again just so you can play with my feelings and leave with my heart… I’ve suppressed my feelings for you, yet I had no choice, if I could, my decision would be you, 100% IT WOULD BE YOU. You are my best friend, you are my crush, my first love, my true love.

I sit here thinking, what will happen in two days when you come to visit, will it be awkward? I also wonder why you picked her? What is the difference in my love for you and your love for me? No I don’t have anything to offier, I have no assets, the only thing I have to give is my love for you, which has never depleted nor will it ever. I have giving up, especially on something so dear to me, because it’s like I failed or that I was not good enough for you.

Watching you two together that night, I could not see the connection between you. I kept my distance, which I promised, yet I just wanted to sit beside you, to talk to you while seeing you eyes dance in the light…. but I stayed away. When you asked me to dance that slow song I did not know how to react. Standing on the dance floor, as you held my hand I could feel your energy run through me, with your hand on my lower back. I had forgotten what your touch felt like. However, I remembered in that instance, and in that moment I felt like you were taking me to heaven.
Gently your cheek rested against mine. My heart was racing as I closed my eyes just wanting that moment to last forever. That moment felt like the first night in the tent when I was laying asleep on your chest, so comfortable, so innocent, yet so memorable.

You make me focus, you bring out the good qualities in me… .you make me want to better myself. However, you also make me feel heart ache every day. I understand you were brought in my life for a purpose and I finally know what your purpose was…. you were to teach me how to love, how to grow into a young woman… to let me know what true love feels like, and to never settle in life.
With you still being apart of my life, I believe that I should not stop fighting for love.
Yes, it sadness me knowing I have no hope in being with you, but I am a fighter…

Always Figthing & Never Quitting

Completely focused and ready a week before Provincials, yet the night before a game I came down with the flu… minor set back, I guess. Waking up feeling horrible I drank lots of OJ and felt like I drank a whole bottle of cold medicine before hand. Mentally ready however physically feel gross. During the game I could feel my face becoming numb and tinglely, but I decided to fight it and keep playing.
Down by 11 at one point in the first half we came back to only be down by 1 at half. The game was close until 3 minutes to go in the game and our opponents pulled away. We ended up losing by 6, and I sustained an achilles injury to finish the game. The worst, not sure what is wrong with my achilles yet still tender 3 days later. After the game, I was not feeling well I went over to a friends house to watch a movie, ended up leaving because I was getting hot flashes. Once I got home, I became quite ill and was up until 6am throwing up. I have never felt so gross in my life… I did not move from my bed til 4pm.
Basketball is done but it has not set in yet. Now onto soccer where hopefully we fair better.

A New Song….