Endless Wonders

November 18,2007

Do you understand what you do to me? What feelings arise when you enter my thoughts?
Distance keeps me sane, yet in two days you will be knocking on my door, wanting in. Do I let you in again just so you can play with my feelings and leave with my heart… I’ve suppressed my feelings for you, yet I had no choice, if I could, my decision would be you, 100% IT WOULD BE YOU. You are my best friend, you are my crush, my first love, my true love.

I sit here thinking, what will happen in two days when you come to visit, will it be awkward? I also wonder why you picked her? What is the difference in my love for you and your love for me? No I don’t have anything to offier, I have no assets, the only thing I have to give is my love for you, which has never depleted nor will it ever. I have giving up, especially on something so dear to me, because it’s like I failed or that I was not good enough for you.

Watching you two together that night, I could not see the connection between you. I kept my distance, which I promised, yet I just wanted to sit beside you, to talk to you while seeing you eyes dance in the light…. but I stayed away. When you asked me to dance that slow song I did not know how to react. Standing on the dance floor, as you held my hand I could feel your energy run through me, with your hand on my lower back. I had forgotten what your touch felt like. However, I remembered in that instance, and in that moment I felt like you were taking me to heaven.
Gently your cheek rested against mine. My heart was racing as I closed my eyes just wanting that moment to last forever. That moment felt like the first night in the tent when I was laying asleep on your chest, so comfortable, so innocent, yet so memorable.

You make me focus, you bring out the good qualities in me… .you make me want to better myself. However, you also make me feel heart ache every day. I understand you were brought in my life for a purpose and I finally know what your purpose was…. you were to teach me how to love, how to grow into a young woman… to let me know what true love feels like, and to never settle in life.
With you still being apart of my life, I believe that I should not stop fighting for love.
Yes, it sadness me knowing I have no hope in being with you, but I am a fighter…

Hopeless Feelings

Do you ever feel you are at a stand still in your life, not knowing what the next step might possibly be? Where do you look for guidance… or who? Life is difficult as I have figured out at a young age, struggling with my existence. One minute, I feel like I am at the top of a mountain and then something happened and I am stumbling to keep my footing as I fall down the mountain. How do I learn to stay on top, instead of always falling at least half way down or better yet landing face first at the bottom of the mountain?  

What is my purpose in life… do I even have one? My feelings control the best of me at times, I can never sort them out. Yet when I step into the public eye, I remind myself to take one of my many masks with me in order to disguise myself. Why a mask you ask? It is simple, in this day and age, people are too busy in their own lives to care about each other. Never knowing how their friends/family members/spouse truely feels. Letting people into my life is hard for me to endure because I know one day they will have to leave, without me wanting them to. So I save myself the heartache with putting on my mask every day. Yet there are days when I forget it at home… and possibly open myself up a little only to feel the anguish of sadness.
“Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you will get” – Forrest Gump Tom Hanks
I know risks are a part of life and certain risks will lead to “happyness” yet others will lead to hardships. I wish I would know what chocolate to pick along with the right time to eat it.