Life Is Like A Novel With The End Ripped Out

Positive Reinforcements

littlenobes — Sun, 28 Mar 2010 22:25:09 +0000

Yesterday I was lucky enough to be a part of something special… OCAA All Star Festivities. A day full of the best players in the league coming together. Yet I was able to have two of my good friends there to share it with me as well which made even more of a monumental day.

First off I had the three point competition in the early afternoon, first round (18 players) I qualified for the second round (8 players). Top 4 make it into the finals at the half time of the game. I made it into the finals *smiles*.

A little break before the game I was able to sit and talk with other players, then it was time for warms up. Representing the west side, we were down at half time. Next was the finals for the three point competition, I was getting tired. The last to shoot the pressure was on… I was at 16 points with one ball left to go, worth two points… and the leader was at 18. I made it, over time we go. Yet in overtime I lost 11-6 fatigue legs were the problem.

The second half the west side us put the pressure on and ended up winning the game. What a game it was, and what a day it was… GREAT!!!!

Polluted Mind

littlenobes — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 20:28:18 +0000

Never a good sign when your eyes open and you realize you never made it to your bed but once again slept on the couch… What does that resemble?

Dexter has become my new favourite tv show. His mind is unbelieveable, and his disguise even better.

My alarm buzzed at 9 yet I did not leave the couch until noon. Lazy maybe, yet I would rather use the word lifeless. Again thinking things would change once I came to, however the past still lingers from last night. Do everything to push forward, but not doing a good job of it. I am falling to pieces and no one around me knows because the mask continues to be seen in society. Playing sports made me feel alive yet my college sports career is officially over. I pushed through school because I had to in order to play the following year. Unfortunately this year is different, who cares if I finish why for what reason? I long to feel alive again to feel needed. Right now all I want to is shut the lights off and sleep, sleep til society needs me. However that could take forever and I could pass through life without ever being noticed or loved. Society solution for happyness is money… I hate money whoever thought it was a horrible person along with technology. The interaction is over a computer or cell phone these days instead of knocking on your friends front door you just drop them an email or text message. Yes and I am to blame for this as well I have fallen into the corruption of society yet as you can see I long for the traditional aspect once again. I long for playing catch, for taking walks in the park, for laying with no electricity with a book or a friend conversing about life. Yet that rarely happens anymore.

What matters in life? Cars houses boats cottages… maybe to some people yet people are what matter to me, my family my friends are the utmost important part of my life… materialistic things are replaceable but family/friends are not.

Legalize Prostitution

littlenobes — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 04:58:27 +0000

Okay okay I know a weird topic however I was in Entrepreneurship class and the discussion was about legalizing prostitution. What would come of this? At first I totally was against it, for one I do not think it can be a controlled environment. My teacher the devils advocate, saying that it would take away the risk of poor young women being a victim. Yet as I said in class they decided to take that risk in order to make “fast cash” everyone in life as a choice.

It was an interesting topic of discussion especially for entrepreneurship class especially when our final project is making a business plan for a product or service. The joke was passed around the room that students were going to change their idea and now do a business plan about legalizing prostitution. Could you imagine how much money it would take to “try to make it right”.

So what when I have a child, I can say oh well a new job offer out there is becoming a prostitute because they have now made it legal…. Interesting!

It made me think about how corrupt this society is, how cheating has been seen as okay now, how STI’s have become full circle, how relationships are no longer the most important thing in life yet money is. I guess I see it now because of the circumstances I have currently been through. Society sickens me, it makes me want to hide because all it does is make things more complex.

Rough and tough life is.

Live With No Excuses, Love With No Regrets

littlenobes — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 03:33:14 +0000

As you can see I have not written in well a couple years, mainly because I did not have anything to write about or of any significant meaning. I moved on from McDreamy, to McSteamy a year later. Was it the right choice well as of today no it was not.

As some say opposites attract, yet from trying it first hand it doesn’t work in the end. We were never right for each other. I fell in love yes I can say that twice now, yet fell quickly out of love after the lies and deceit that continued for the last 11 months. A little at a time my heart weakened, and 3 hours ago I got in my car and drove off for good, leaving all the complications in my dust. However, I sit here with dried up tears on my cheeks and my eyes still ready to let the water works begin again.

What did I do wrong? Did I deserve this? Is God punishing me?
While always being an emotional person it haunts me today because my heart is out weighing my mind. I can hear my heart beating yet with every beat they continue to fade. I honestly felt like I did everything right until the first lie/deceit then I close up, I shut the door, because when I get hurt it lasts awhile. The trust diminished, rightfully so. After a couple months it grew again, but then I would catch him in another lie and back down to zero he would go. Today I realized “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” meaning you can’t change someone and that’s not the type of person I would to be spend rest of my life with.

Guilt trips continue, why are you doing this to me? Yet really who hurt who first? There’s a big picture here and clearly he never saw me in this picture. I was just a pawn in his chess game, being exposed and used to further himself.

Yeah life is difficult right now, I never know if I am coming or going. I do not know what the next step in life is, and I wish I knew I wish I could read the novel of my life and clearly follow it in order to avoid the complications, however that wouldn’t be life then would it.

One day I will be happy… today isn’t that day.

Good-Bye

littlenobes — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 03:24:42 +0000

So today was the day… the day I said Good-Bye, to my best friend, my first love, my true love. I am not sure how I was able to do it nor do I know if I will stay strong and stick to it.
McDreamy and I had another conversation ending up always where we end up… and never resolving anything. Yet today I decided to be strong and speak my mind and tell him I don’t like living like this and I never will.
He wants to still be friends, but I can’t do it, I need complete separation to get over him. Of course it hurt the whole conversation I was crying. I didn’t want to say Good-Bye and always thought he would be the one to walk away, however, I realized he never would and I would always been in the same position, feeling horrible about it.
So no more texting, no more phone calls, no more McDreamy… my eyes have been filled with tears ever since the end of the conversation… in a way I wish there was a drug that could make me forget because I fear that there is no one out there for me like him… I know I am not suppose to compare guys, yet it’s clear that everyone compares past relationships to the new ones.

The difficult part is wanting to text him, because its a routine to text every day… I could text him for hours and not get bored yet others I just stop texting because they do not intrigue me… horrible I know.

I just want to make this pain go away… it’s the worst pain I have ever felt. Give me physical pain I can cope with that yet emotional pain rips me apart. It’s a time when I want to be by myself and wallow in my sorrow yet understand that the best thing is to be around people so I do not have thoughts of him.

Troy was the best tonight he helped a lot even though he did not think so because he did not make me laugh, it got my mind off him and onto him movie in with me at the start of June. We talked about that and video games… it’s truly a god-sent.

I will miss him… McDreamy… tons yet as I kept telling myself from day 1 this will be beneficial in the long run, even though my heart does not want to go through this pain… I so wished he would stay

Endless Wonders

littlenobes — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 14:38:28 +0000

November 18,2007

Do you understand what you do to me? What feelings arise when you enter my thoughts?
Distance keeps me sane, yet in two days you will be knocking on my door, wanting in. Do I let you in again just so you can play with my feelings and leave with my heart… I’ve suppressed my feelings for you, yet I had no choice, if I could, my decision would be you, 100% IT WOULD BE YOU. You are my best friend, you are my crush, my first love, my true love.

I sit here thinking, what will happen in two days when you come to visit, will it be awkward? I also wonder why you picked her? What is the difference in my love for you and your love for me? No I don’t have anything to offier, I have no assets, the only thing I have to give is my love for you, which has never depleted nor will it ever. I have giving up, especially on something so dear to me, because it’s like I failed or that I was not good enough for you.

Watching you two together that night, I could not see the connection between you. I kept my distance, which I promised, yet I just wanted to sit beside you, to talk to you while seeing you eyes dance in the light…. but I stayed away. When you asked me to dance that slow song I did not know how to react. Standing on the dance floor, as you held my hand I could feel your energy run through me, with your hand on my lower back. I had forgotten what your touch felt like. However, I remembered in that instance, and in that moment I felt like you were taking me to heaven.
Gently your cheek rested against mine. My heart was racing as I closed my eyes just wanting that moment to last forever. That moment felt like the first night in the tent when I was laying asleep on your chest, so comfortable, so innocent, yet so memorable.

You make me focus, you bring out the good qualities in me… .you make me want to better myself. However, you also make me feel heart ache every day. I understand you were brought in my life for a purpose and I finally know what your purpose was…. you were to teach me how to love, how to grow into a young woman… to let me know what true love feels like, and to never settle in life.
With you still being apart of my life, I believe that I should not stop fighting for love.
Yes, it sadness me knowing I have no hope in being with you, but I am a fighter…

Always Figthing & Never Quitting

littlenobes — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 01:23:08 +0000

Completely focused and ready a week before Provincials, yet the night before a game I came down with the flu… minor set back, I guess. Waking up feeling horrible I drank lots of OJ and felt like I drank a whole bottle of cold medicine before hand. Mentally ready however physically feel gross. During the game I could feel my face becoming numb and tinglely, but I decided to fight it and keep playing.
Down by 11 at one point in the first half we came back to only be down by 1 at half. The game was close until 3 minutes to go in the game and our opponents pulled away. We ended up losing by 6, and I sustained an achilles injury to finish the game. The worst, not sure what is wrong with my achilles yet still tender 3 days later. After the game, I was not feeling well I went over to a friends house to watch a movie, ended up leaving because I was getting hot flashes. Once I got home, I became quite ill and was up until 6am throwing up. I have never felt so gross in my life… I did not move from my bed til 4pm.
Basketball is done but it has not set in yet. Now onto soccer where hopefully we fair better.

A New Song….

Good Teams Always Find A Way To Win…

littlenobes — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 02:02:52 +0000

Yesterday was our cross over game, against the 6th seed from the east division. We finished 3rd in our division therefore it was home court advantage for us. Even with home court advantage, we seemed one step slow in the game. At half time we were down by 4. It felt like we were just going through the motions and not playing at the level that we can be. Teammates spoke up at half time and we rallied in the second half. We came out quick and did not let up and end up winning by 10 in the end.
WE MADE IT TO PROVINCIALS!!!!
We are in the final 8… hoping to come out on top in the end. It was a great feeling to come from behind and win that game.
I am very proud of my teammates they showed heart and determination to win that game.
Just gotta keep fighting now.

Ever Feel Like Giving Up…

littlenobes — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 05:10:20 +0000

There are times in my life where I feel trapped, that I do not have options… Those times I would like to just curl up in bed and never leave my house until I am in better spirits. That day was yesterday for me… because I was thinking too much about what is going wrong in my life. Yet with no Internet, I just laid there watching movies with “sparky” and fell asleep again. Yet when I woke up I did not feel any better… I honestly hate those days.

I also try to measure myself up to my friends or siblings not sure why yet I do. I look at where my friends are in life and how they are ALL getting married, and seem to be settling down. That my sisters both have a significant other in their lives and seem more then happy to be with them. Then I look at my life where my significant other is “spalding” or “nike” *referring to a basketball and soccer ball* Do not think for one moment I am not enjoying my sportive life because I do, yet I just find there is no way I could juggle a guy in my life as well. With a little experience from past relationships that ended because of “spalding” or “nike… yet how do I just stop playing because “he” (whoever “he” is) wants me to…
Yes there are times where I wish I could have a guy in my life, because I want to be cuddled or be greeted when I come home from school or sports… yet then I realize that’s quite selfish of me. The only time I would see “him” would be in bed when I say good night…. my days are spent at school 8:30 until 7 sometimes later… I realize “he” would be working or in school yet my hobbies take up a significant amount of my time… Yes I do sit and think about bizarre things, not sure why though.
Thinking definitely hurts too much… therefore I think I will finish here for the night… *night*

Difficulties

littlenobes — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 15:43:21 +0000

So I have not written in a while… because life has me jumping through hoops. Once I get through one there is another obstacle waiting for me. I was always one of those children that slept away all my problems yet really it does not help, because those problems will always be there when I wake up… unfortunately.

I have given up my internet at home due to the fact that I am financially in a bind… I have too many expenses and not enough cash flow… due to the fact that I am a student/athlete no time to fit in a work schedule, without running myself too thin. My car has costed me an arm and a leg over this year that I have had it. I have put in almost 2 grand into it. So right now I am just trying to survive one day at a time.

Soccer has been great, I honestly can say I enjoy my team. Our first tourney we won the whole championship it was a great feeling, definitely a team effort. Basketball on the other hand has been a struggle… because we are not team orientated. It’s hard because it seems like everyone thinks they know what each other should be doing instead of focusing on their roles on the court. In addition to that it frustrating playing the game and not being coached, yet winning on talent alone. Every game and every practice I go out there with an open mind thinking things quite possibly will change, yet continue to give myself false hope.

School is going okay… yet I feel like it is a burden right now in my life to be doing homework, while I am trying to focus on life in general. It is like a juggling act, yet I always keep dropping something… which tends to be school. One day at a time I am trying to go about.

Life always works out in mysterious ways… I just need to have faith.
So that is my update, and hopefully I will be able to update every day, so you can know what is going on in my crazy rollercoaster life.
*smiles*