So today was the day… the day I said Good-Bye, to my best friend, my first love, my true love. I am not sure how I was able to do it nor do I know if I will stay strong and stick to it.
McDreamy and I had another conversation ending up always where we end up… and never resolving anything. Yet today I decided to be strong and speak my mind and tell him I don’t like living like this and I never will.
He wants to still be friends, but I can’t do it, I need complete separation to get over him. Of course it hurt the whole conversation I was crying. I didn’t want to say Good-Bye and always thought he would be the one to walk away, however, I realized he never would and I would always been in the same position, feeling horrible about it.
So no more texting, no more phone calls, no more McDreamy… my eyes have been filled with tears ever since the end of the conversation… in a way I wish there was a drug that could make me forget because I fear that there is no one out there for me like him… I know I am not suppose to compare guys, yet it’s clear that everyone compares past relationships to the new ones.

The difficult part is wanting to text him, because its a routine to text every day… I could text him for hours and not get bored yet others I just stop texting because they do not intrigue me… horrible I know.

I just want to make this pain go away… it’s the worst pain I have ever felt. Give me physical pain I can cope with that yet emotional pain rips me apart. It’s a time when I want to be by myself and wallow in my sorrow yet understand that the best thing is to be around people so I do not have thoughts of him.

Troy was the best tonight he helped a lot even though he did not think so because he did not make me laugh, it got my mind off him and onto him movie in with me at the start of June. We talked about that and video games… it’s truly a god-sent.

I will miss him… McDreamy… tons yet as I kept telling myself from day 1 this will be beneficial in the long run, even though my heart does not want to go through this pain… I so wished he would stay

November 18,2007

Do you understand what you do to me? What feelings arise when you enter my thoughts?
Distance keeps me sane, yet in two days you will be knocking on my door, wanting in. Do I let you in again just so you can play with my feelings and leave with my heart… I’ve suppressed my feelings for you, yet I had no choice, if I could, my decision would be you, 100% IT WOULD BE YOU. You are my best friend, you are my crush, my first love, my true love.

I sit here thinking, what will happen in two days when you come to visit, will it be awkward? I also wonder why you picked her? What is the difference in my love for you and your love for me? No I don’t have anything to offier, I have no assets, the only thing I have to give is my love for you, which has never depleted nor will it ever. I have giving up, especially on something so dear to me, because it’s like I failed or that I was not good enough for you.

Watching you two together that night, I could not see the connection between you. I kept my distance, which I promised, yet I just wanted to sit beside you, to talk to you while seeing you eyes dance in the light…. but I stayed away. When you asked me to dance that slow song I did not know how to react. Standing on the dance floor, as you held my hand I could feel your energy run through me, with your hand on my lower back. I had forgotten what your touch felt like. However, I remembered in that instance, and in that moment I felt like you were taking me to heaven.
Gently your cheek rested against mine. My heart was racing as I closed my eyes just wanting that moment to last forever. That moment felt like the first night in the tent when I was laying asleep on your chest, so comfortable, so innocent, yet so memorable.

You make me focus, you bring out the good qualities in me… .you make me want to better myself. However, you also make me feel heart ache every day. I understand you were brought in my life for a purpose and I finally know what your purpose was…. you were to teach me how to love, how to grow into a young woman… to let me know what true love feels like, and to never settle in life.
With you still being apart of my life, I believe that I should not stop fighting for love.
Yes, it sadness me knowing I have no hope in being with you, but I am a fighter…

Completely focused and ready a week before Provincials, yet the night before a game I came down with the flu… minor set back, I guess. Waking up feeling horrible I drank lots of OJ and felt like I drank a whole bottle of cold medicine before hand. Mentally ready however physically feel gross. During the game I could feel my face becoming numb and tinglely, but I decided to fight it and keep playing.
Down by 11 at one point in the first half we came back to only be down by 1 at half. The game was close until 3 minutes to go in the game and our opponents pulled away. We ended up losing by 6, and I sustained an achilles injury to finish the game. The worst, not sure what is wrong with my achilles yet still tender 3 days later. After the game, I was not feeling well I went over to a friends house to watch a movie, ended up leaving because I was getting hot flashes. Once I got home, I became quite ill and was up until 6am throwing up. I have never felt so gross in my life… I did not move from my bed til 4pm.
Basketball is done but it has not set in yet. Now onto soccer where hopefully we fair better.

A New Song….

Yesterday was our cross over game, against the 6th seed from the east division. We finished 3rd in our division therefore it was home court advantage for us. Even with home court advantage, we seemed one step slow in the game. At half time we were down by 4. It felt like we were just going through the motions and not playing at the level that we can be. Teammates spoke up at half time and we rallied in the second half. We came out quick and did not let up and end up winning by 10 in the end.
WE MADE IT TO PROVINCIALS!!!!
We are in the final 8… hoping to come out on top in the end. It was a great feeling to come from behind and win that game.
I am very proud of my teammates they showed heart and determination to win that game.
Just gotta keep fighting now.

There are times in my life where I feel trapped, that I do not have options… Those times I would like to just curl up in bed and never leave my house until I am in better spirits. That day was yesterday for me… because I was thinking too much about what is going wrong in my life. Yet with no Internet, I just laid there watching movies with “sparky” and fell asleep again. Yet when I woke up I did not feel any better… I honestly hate those days.

I also try to measure myself up to my friends or siblings not sure why yet I do. I look at where my friends are in life and how they are ALL getting married, and seem to be settling down. That my sisters both have a significant other in their lives and seem more then happy to be with them. Then I look at my life where my significant other is “spalding” or “nike” *referring to a basketball and soccer ball* Do not think for one moment I am not enjoying my sportive life because I do, yet I just find there is no way I could juggle a guy in my life as well. With a little experience from past relationships that ended because of “spalding” or “nike… yet how do I just stop playing because “he” (whoever “he” is) wants me to…
Yes there are times where I wish I could have a guy in my life, because I want to be cuddled or be greeted when I come home from school or sports… yet then I realize that’s quite selfish of me. The only time I would see “him” would be in bed when I say good night…. my days are spent at school 8:30 until 7 sometimes later… I realize “he” would be working or in school yet my hobbies take up a significant amount of my time… Yes I do sit and think about bizarre things, not sure why though.
Thinking definitely hurts too much… therefore I think I will finish here for the night… *night*

So I have not written in a while… because life has me jumping through hoops. Once I get through one there is another obstacle waiting for me. I was always one of those children that slept away all my problems yet really it does not help, because those problems will always be there when I wake up… unfortunately.

I have given up my internet at home due to the fact that I am financially in a bind… I have too many expenses and not enough cash flow… due to the fact that I am a student/athlete no time to fit in a work schedule, without running myself too thin. My car has costed me an arm and a leg over this year that I have had it. I have put in almost 2 grand into it. So right now I am just trying to survive one day at a time.

Soccer has been great, I honestly can say I enjoy my team. Our first tourney we won the whole championship it was a great feeling, definitely a team effort. Basketball on the other hand has been a struggle… because we are not team orientated. It’s hard because it seems like everyone thinks they know what each other should be doing instead of focusing on their roles on the court. In addition to that it frustrating playing the game and not being coached, yet winning on talent alone. Every game and every practice I go out there with an open mind thinking things quite possibly will change, yet continue to give myself false hope.

School is going okay… yet I feel like it is a burden right now in my life to be doing homework, while I am trying to focus on life in general.  It is like a juggling act, yet I always keep dropping something… which tends to be school.  One day at a time I am trying to go about.

Life always works out in mysterious ways… I just need to have faith. 
So that is my update, and hopefully I will be able to update every day, so you can know what is going on in my crazy rollercoaster life.
*smiles*

My philosophy on life is that no matter how hard you struggle to win the battle, you will always come up short of winning. Today was a good day for me, a productive day. I end up talking with this guy every night from the Yukon… Flocke (will be his name). He quite the interesting character I must say…. very good with his words, and quite knowledgeable. Not sure how we met, we just did probably over the net somehow. Anyways it seems like every night we fall asleep in front of the computer together and today we actually woke up to each other on the computer quite funny really. He always seems to make me laugh/smile with his funny comments. I really do not know too much about him, but enough I guess. He always tells me a story at night… like a night time story I guess and they are always random. Of course I always fall asleep before he does because I am 3 hours ahead in time then him.
It’s kinda like a ritual to talk every night and fall asleep together… it’s kinda nice actually. Our discussion are a wide variety of things to music, sports, jobs, and weather. There is never really a dull moment until I start to get sleepy, and then I pass out.
Honestly I just wanted to thank him for being my online friend, and to tell me random stories. He definitely puts a smile on my face

McDreamy and I became close…. text messaging each and every day for the rest of the summer. Yet there was a loop hole, he was already apart of a relationship… a relationship which was not new yet rather 13 years in. As you can tell there was quite the age difference between us. I will admit I knew this and hence why I did not want to express my feelings towards him, because my morals were holding me back. However, as we all know, after a couple drinks we do not really hide much and are very open with our feelings. I was head over heels for a man common law married, what was I thinking.  I tried to push him away yet I could not do it. For the first time in my life I was in love and had absolutely no control over my feelings. He was the highlight of my summer, always made me smile. I told myself I would not be that other woman… I did not want to. Of course there was the age difference which was in the back of my head, but really it’s only a number and it did not mean anything to me.

I did not want my summer to end, I did not want to go away to school… we were just becoming close, and I was learning so much about him. Everything about him intrigued me, his eyes are more unique then I have ever seen. He had captivated me with his presence… that half the time I just sit there in silence watching his every move. What happen to me always being about my sports and friends… when did guys come into the equation? And who ever thought it was be an older guy that made me have butterflies in my tummy… He is my sunshine when my skies are grey… he is my angel when I need him to safe the day… he is my best friend that I can tell anything. I thank God for being him into my life, and letting him have such an impact on my life… this I thank you!!

I choose a video for every post because somewhere in that video is a hidden message, or the way I am feeling currently.
We always say “I wish” yet really it is centuries old and never does a wish come true… fully. A wish is never clear cut, there’s always something that changes, and that wish goes sour.
I never wished on my birthday, maybe I was smart when I was younger who knows, yet I find it to be a false message. Yet the one time I did wish, I wished upon the brightest start in the sky, to the northwest. I can tell you that wish because is some insistence it did come true…. I wished that “McDreamy” (that will be his nickname) would feel the same as I did about him towards me. After work I would jump in a co-workers vehicle and drive home. Home was in the country, therefore you could see for miles all the stars. I would lay my head against the clear window and glaze at the stars until I found that star… my star which I would continue to wish upon. Yet he will never know how I feel because my morals keep me from telling him, how much I desire him.  

 So for two weeks straight the sky was clear and I sit there pondering, wishing and hoping he felt the same. Finally, on August 6th, after a couple of drinks, I become open. I can remember the day as it was yesterday. I smiled as did he, while asking me “What are you thinking?” with a smart reply I said quickly “Do you really want to know what I am thinking?” Not even taking a minute to ponder on it he said yes. I took a deep breath and said without looking at him yet touching his bare shoulder… “I am attracted to you”. *It’s been 4 months and know I finally told me… what was I thinking* Feeling completely foolish, he replied “I feel the same way”… OH MY there had to have been a stunned look on my face… I did not know what to say next.
As the night went on we hung out and talked an extensive amount… I could not stop smiling. He liked me too… I couldn’t believe it. That night I fell asleep with him… we laid and talked about the more common things in life,  like family and friends… and then all of a sudden while I was laying on his chest listening to him we fell asleep. I have never felt so comfortable before with a guy… usually I will not sleep a wink because I am afraid of what he might try… yet with him, I felt safe. Everything just felt so right, so perfect.

Did my wish really come true… or is there a loop hole….
To Be Continued

No one likes to lose control. It’s a sign of weakness, of not being up to the task.
My weakness… is HIM, and every time I see him, I lose control of who I am. I tried hating him in order to keep him at bay, yet how could I hate someone I felt so comfortable around… I was always good at pushing people away… I still am. However, he never let go, he always was there. Around every corner he would appear, and that smile would take my breath away. First true love for me… at a distance. Never able to tell him how I felt feeling like I would be embarrassed if he laughted at me. So I kept it to myself, thinking this crazy crush would go away.

… It didn’t

And still there are times where it just gets away from you. No matter how hard you fight it, you fall, and it’s scary as hell… except if there’s an upside to free falling you give your friends a chance to catch you.